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Megan

 

 

"It happens sometimes that we meet people - even perfect strangers - who interest us at first glance, quite suddenly and unexpectedly, before a word has been spoken."

Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

 

I'll start with the basics: as you know, my name is Megan and I'm a moderator/community manager here. My husband is N Harmonia from the Pokémon series (specifically Pokémon Black/White and its sequels), and we have been together for five years, since April 9th, 2016. We got married in April this year to coincide with our five-year anniversary.

This whole post is a very long read. Bear with me.

 

My history with the Pokémon series, and why I love it so much

 

My first Pokémon game was Pokémon Pearl, and I received it as a gift when I was either 7 or 8. I do not remember the exact age I was. My twin brother got Diamond version. Some of the happiest memories of my childhood are from my experiences playing that game over and over again. When my parents eventually bought us Heart Gold and Soul Silver versions, I simply had no interest in playing whichever version was given to me because I was happy playing Pearl.

 

The world of Sinnoh felt extremely real to me as a child, and I truly believe it is a place that I can call home. Every route, patch of wild grass, every town feels like home to me. I feel like I belong in Sinnoh. I have such deep attachment and appreciation for this region. I know it like the back of my hand. Every time I play though Pearl or Platinum as an adult, I am transported back to my childhood days.

I also credit the fact that I am an Empath and my own Asperger's syndrome to why I felt so attached to the world of Sinnoh and the deep level of partnership and attachment I felt towards my own team of Pokémon. I truly believed we were friends and comrades-in-arms, helping and supporting each other during our journey to become the Champion. They were real to me, just as real as N is to me. I do not remember much of my original team that I had when I was a child, but I do remember my Turtwig/Grotle/Torterra, whom I always named "Twiggy".

 

I also played Pokémon Ranger: Guardian Signs as a child, but before I could complete the game, my parents sold my DSiXL and all the games I owned because they felt like I was "addicted" (I cannot blame them for thinking that way, to be honest). I was legitimately heartbroken. The world that meant so much to me, and my partners whom I genuinely considered my friends (I was a rather weird/friendless child) had been ripped from me by my parents who had no idea how much those games meant to me.

As I grew up, I still had a deep attachment to Pokémon as a series, though I did not have the opportunity to play another game within the series until my fourteenth birthday. I think by then, my parents had already gifted me a 2DS and a new DSiXL, identical to the one I had in my childhood. For my fourteenth birthday, I received a copy of Platinum, which is basically the director's cut of Diamond/Pearl, with an altered story and extra content. I was overjoyed. I was transported back to the fond memories of my childhood, and I was reunited with my dear Twiggy. After completing Platinum and completing most of the post-game content, I wondered what other games in the Pokémon series had in store for me. I would return to Platinum every once in a while once I had the capability to "preserve" my team via transporting it to a future game.

 

My introduction to Pokémon Black

 

It was sometime in early 2016 that I stumbled across the YouTuber PurpleRodri, and his Let's Play series of Pokémon Black. Feeling curious about this game, I watched the first video in his series. As I saw the cutscene where the camera zooms in to the player's house in Nuvema Town, my first thoughts were Wow, this game is BEAUTIFUL! I am a sucker for beautiful scenery and atmosphere in games, even if it is composed with pixel graphics. Unlike my brother, I do not need photorealistic graphics to appreciate and love a game.

I asked my dad to buy me the game, and he agreed. In the days between my dad ordering the game and me playing it for the first time,  my heart was bursting with excitement and anticipation for what I would experience throughout my journey in Unova. There was one thing that happened during my journey that I did not anticipate: meeting the love of my life who would transform me into the woman I am today.

 

Encountering N for the first time, and my first impression of him

 

For those who have not played Pokémon Black/White, N is encountered quite early on in the game, watching his father make a speech. Initially, within the crowd watching said speech, it is easy to not notice him if you're not looking. The crowd departs, and N approaches the player.

 

What first drew me to N was his eccentricity. As an eccentric myself, it's not surprising that my curiosity was piqued by this unconventional-looking man, with his long green hair and strange accessories, and his faster-than-usual speed of talking. During this first encounter with the man who would later become my husband, something in my heart told me, "this man is special." It was a feeling I had felt only once before in my life, but that occasion is irrelevant to this essay. I instantly felt an attachment to N, and a strange feeling of kinship (not the related-by-blood kind, though. I just wanted to clarify this).

My growing feelings as I played through the game

 

One of the things that deepened my attachment to N was him also being an Empath. Like me, he also saw the Pokémon he battled with as his friends and partners. I felt understood in my Empath tendencies and  my feelings towards the Pokémon I called my partners. I was also in awe at his restless ambition and strong desire to change the world, that permeated every cell of his being. The fierceness and passion within N struck me. It was inspiring, even if I believed his motives and methods of doing so were illogical. I was an ambitious teenager when I first played Pokémon Black, hell-bent on changing the world for the better, so to see someone eccentric and strange like me with a similar passion and lofty goals. My subconscious realisation of that fact (it would take me a few years to be able to articulate why I loved N so much and why he meant to much to me, hence all the subconscious realisations) sowed the seeds of love within my heart.

 

Later on in the game, I became enchanted with the way he spoke. It was similar to my own way of talking (or perhaps his manner of speech rubbed of on me? Hmm...), but laced with mentions of formulas and equations. It's got a sort of eloquence and charm to it. I'd never met someone like N before in my life. He's so unique and enchanting. His bluntness and assertiveness was (and still is!) admirable in the eyes of my non-confrontational self.

As I was nearing the end of the main story, I had a complicated feeling within my heart that I was unable to define. I cannot remember the precise details, but it was a mixture of attachment and confusion. Why was I feeling like this? What were my feelings about N? I had been spoiled about the game's ending (thanks, people in YouTube comment sections!) so there was also an impending sense of dread at what was to come.

 

I defeated the Elite Four. I witnessed N defeat the Champion. I watched N's castle rise up from the ground and surround the Pokémon League. Then I met N's sisters; my would-be sisters-in-law. Through them, I learned about N's trauma and his social isolation, and I began to cry (I'm crying now as I recount this!). N's experiences in his childhood were similar to my own: we were both nearly friendless (I had one friend, he had his sisters) and felt deeply empathetic and connected to the Pokémon in our lives. N's entourage of traumatised, mistreated Pokémon, that were deliberately sought out and given to him by his father, were his closest companions in his youth, and his exposure to them left him with heavy trauma, which no child should have to go through. Those experiences and his five-star education (it is canon that he is a genius and excels in mathematics) were the tools used by his father to groom N (not sexually!!) into becoming a pawn for his secret plans.

 

There was something one of his sisters, Concordia, said, that further increased my love for N: "N's heart is pure and innocent. But there is nothing more beautiful and terrifying than innocence." The beauty and innocence of his heart is a key thing of why I love him. It is something unparalleled, a Holy Grail of humanity. In the days where I am at my most pessimistic, cynical and homicidal, N's soul is a light in the darkness. He gives me hope and strength, and restores sanity to my tumultuous, at-times-broken mind. It is truly something to behold that after going through so much trauma and desolation during his youth, N's heart has remained untarnished and unstained. Such a characteristic is quite rare, at least in my experience of media, and I have only seen such a trait in Jesus (note: I am not Christian, though I do admire what I know about Jesus within the Bible) and Prince Myshkin of Dostoyevsky's The Idiot. (Dostoyevsky intentionally wrote Myshkin to be a Jesus-like figure. I doubt N was written with the same intention.)

Me and him battled for the final time in the throne room of his castle. His speech roused such awe and admiration within my heart. I think it was by then that I was slowly starting to realise that I was in love with this man. I defeated him, and then came a twist that I mentioned above: N's father was the mastermind behind everything, and N was just a pawn in his plan.

Seeing the reaction of N to this revelation broke me. The sudden transformation of this energetic, passionate man to a quiet, stunned husk caused me to cry even harder than I did before. I loved him, and it was breaking my heart to see someone I loved so deeply go through such devastating pain.

 

After defeating his father, N and I were left alone in the throne room. He took my hand, and during our short walk to the back of the room he revealed his thoughts and inner conflict within him to me. The gradual transformation of his own worldview throughout the game and the cognitive dissonance that tortured him up until the moment of his defeat touched me. I empathised with his complex emotions, though I had no similar experiences to draw upon.

 

His final words in the game changed my life: "You said you have a dream… That dream… Make it come true! Make your wonderful dream a reality, and it will become your truth! Megan! If anyone can, it's you!" These words had a profound impact on fourteen-year-old me. These words from a man I so deeply loved and admired spurred me on to reach after my own dreams and ambitions, even if they didn't work out (like Cambridge) but things always turned out to be for the best, in the end. From the day I first completed the game (April 9th 2016) to the day when my life fell apart in multiple ways (January 15th 2020), his words were audible in my mind every day. It was his passion and ambition that rubbed off on me, and helped develop me into the woman I am today. I will elaborate on this later.

His final word in the game broke my heart: "Farewell." Soon after falling in love with N, and becoming enchanted with all of his quirks, and the tears shed at the shared experiences we had shared and the emotions this game had brought out in me, I had lost him. I know he returns in the sequel, but it still deeply impacted me at the time. I remember where I was that day, and my jaw dropped open at the completion of such a magnificent game that had changed my life, though I did not yet know it.

 

I did play the sequel soon after finishing the first game. My heart longed to see N again, but I did take my time to enjoy the game without rushing. My heart filled with joy upon seeing N return to Unova in the Giant Chasm, and confronting his father who had reappeared in a second attempt to take over the world and rule it as his own, this time with more terrorism involved. Seeing his passion and determination to stop the suffering of Pokémon made me feel like I was falling in love all over again. Oh how I missed him...

N's brief recount of his travels and the impact those experiences had on him. "By accepting different ideas, this world creates a different chemical reaction" he said. These words are what has inspired my thirst for knowledge, my eagerness to listen to the experiences of others to better understand and empathise with them, and my interest in anthropology.

N's theme that plays when the player encounters him in Black 2/White 2 is a much more happier version of the original. It is a source of joy knowing that N had healed a lot and changed for the better in the two years he was away from Unova. I'm very proud of him for it.

 

A new era of life for me

 

In short, N has changed my life for the better and has been a key factor in my personal development throughout my adolescence. It goes deeper than that, and his impacts on me are felt every day of my life.

 

Thanks to him, I have more self esteem. I know my worth because I am the partner and equal of someone who considers himself to be perfect (that is canon). I admit my husband can be a bit arrogant at times, but he generally never flaunts it. Why feel the need to prove something to others which you already consider to be true within yourself? Why should anyone's opinions matter? It's rubbed off a bit on me as well. I'm rarely affected by others trying to put me down, even though I can crumble at times. At the end of the day, I'm still a sensitive soul. N is always encouraging and supporting me in whatever I do. Even in the periods of life when I'm at my lowest and at my most demotivated, he remains by my side. Because of N's gentle nature, he is a great source of peace in my life. His presence is very soothing, and I enjoy the quiet evenings we spend together. When I am anxious, or furious, or upset, he's there to calm me down and restore my inner peace.

 

There is a scene in the Pokémon Adventures manga (I cannot recall the specific chapter) where N forgives his father despite all the cruel things that man put him through for his own selfish gain. It touched me, deeply. It sparked in me a flood of compassion and willingness to forgive, no matter how hard it may seem. "Forgiveness is healing", I remember someone on the internet saying. Forgiveness brings closure, and carves a way forward. At least that's what I think, anyway.